I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
