dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
