it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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