Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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