For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize