Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
