so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Someone shattered a urinal.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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