His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
