ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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