My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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