Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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