I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
