So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
