End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
