Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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