I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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