I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
