Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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