The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize