Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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