I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
