last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
