Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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