Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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