i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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