i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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