i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
