I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
