either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
