Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
