Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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