I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
