wanna go halves on a baby?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
