If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
