I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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