Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
