Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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