Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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