you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
