There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
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