okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
