I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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