Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
