saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I have aggressive nipples.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
