My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
