I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
