I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
