I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
