I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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