I murdered the dance floor call the cops
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
