dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
