my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
