her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
