Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
