So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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