You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
