craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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