I just pynch a tree in the face
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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