not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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