Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
