just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
he had hair everywhere except his balls
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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