She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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