u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
