Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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