Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
