she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
