so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
