please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
