Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
